Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!