@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

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@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

@Disneyland2go

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@DarkInjustices

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

@StranDadAbroad

Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.

@sonictyrant

Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no