Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Thanks for the clarification, Dad.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-the universe is large & she is its queen
mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly