@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

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@KimmyMonte

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

@_Tempo11

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@Social_Mime

They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

@TinyWriterLaura

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen