Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Not all heroes wear capes…

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

All generalizations are stupid.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.