My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
🌱🌱🌱
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
broke down and did it
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life