Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus