My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
