My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
You Might Also Like
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Science memes
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Facebook Twitter
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”