Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers