me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]
HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I will never leave twitter.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Things you can’t touch:
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.