“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.