“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it


Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]


My mom: [sighs]


God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no


I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”


Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.


Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works


Things you can’t touch:

1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This


Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.