My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
this isn’t threatening at all
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.