Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

when unicorns get really drunk

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.