Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Oh no

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ