My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Happy Febuary everyone!
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea