My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.