My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair