Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Livid.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.