Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

peeping toms

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?