Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.