Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Yup!

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Hmm 🧐

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack