my mind
You just read my mind
You Might Also Like
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…