my mind
You just read my mind
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Well, this certainly took a turn
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*weighs self after shaving
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer