my mind
You just read my mind
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Grew big
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Tier 3 meme
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?