My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.