My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man