My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
📽️movie date🎞️
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.