My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”



Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.


when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf


My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.


My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud


at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”


Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)