Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door
He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)