@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

You Might Also Like

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@SparkNotes

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

@not_thenanny

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

@KKAlThani

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@david8hughes

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

@eddiesteadyno

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

@Sam19eighty

Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)