My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.