My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts