My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.