My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I only eat vegetarians.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”