My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.