Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Great Canadian literature.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.