Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

me: hey, can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: could I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Single and childfree like Jesus

My purse is deeper than some people.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

With this onion ring, I thee fed