My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda