My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
🏙👨🏼
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Lmao
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends