Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.