Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets