My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
True
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”