My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
the Monday after daylight savings
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
About to form my very first opinion
i want it utterly assaulted.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
