My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
