My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
haha same
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that