Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground