Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Lmao 🤣

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much