My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
@ candidates for local office
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.