My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
How it started How it’s going
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
who wore it better?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
me doing my best
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.