Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

The Friday File.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.