Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

new wife guy just dropped

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Simple enough.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

ㅤ

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.