Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.