Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

i was dropped as an adult

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.