My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long