My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it