My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
Simple enough.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds