Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

*has no idea what a book even is*

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Heroic Misunderstanding

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?