Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

same but as an audience member

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1850300849337356288/vid/avc1/720x900/BgkhWFdXqK4tNbLK.mp4?tag=16

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.