pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Whoa 😂
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.