Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

This took me a second..

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

do what now??