Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.