Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.