Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

dark side of the loom

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.