My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it