Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

War & Peace

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.