My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Eating for two.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU