Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is