Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Broom by every window for quick escape.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73