Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

I’m not wrong

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.