My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
That’s not how days work.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My what?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me