Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.