My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
No chill.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you