My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago