My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I forgot how to panic. Help
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?