Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you milk an almond?

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.