Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I think I’ll stand

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Saint West, the patron of selfies

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.