GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
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I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Cashier: how would you like to pay?
Me: with my good looks if possible
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[adam sandler voice] oh yesh das right
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him