my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

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[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.




M: What?


I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.


Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.


WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say


Cashier: how would you like to pay?

Me: with my good looks if possible




Me: credit


My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.


Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.


Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him