my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”