my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening