my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
How I’d get arrested…
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.