my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
You Might Also Like
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Happy Halloween 🎃
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Proctology is located in A55
AM I BEING GASLIT????
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.