my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
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When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body